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Charges: Overweight, drug-addled nihilist swine with huge egos and no journalistic ethics who hold the world and our readers in general contempt because the kids were mean to us in high school. Crapping on everything and offering no solutions. Lamenting environmental destruction without so much as recycling. Juvenile, chip-shouldered, bridge-burning snots on a self-destructive mission to offend the planet. In 2006, we had the bad taste to proposition the First Lady of Buffalo, successfully rig an NHL playoff series; unapologetically mock the 5-year anniversary of 9-11; irresponsibly reprint the Danish Mohammed cartoons; crash a Scientology party on hallucinogens; and disrespect people of all religious persuasions at every opportunity. What the hell is our problem, anyway?

Exhibit A: In this list alone, we’ve trashed a dead man, a grieving mother, Jesus, and a helpless infant. Only included ourselves as blatant act of self-promotion and to stymie would-be critics.

Sentence: You’ll rush to subscribe to our new monthly magazine, damning us to a life of hollow success and eventual assimilation into the Time-Warner empire. Order now!