aaahhh...relationships

had it out a bit with the ex yesterday. first you have to understand that we are still very close. suddenly i keep hearing about all these guys he's hanging out with. more like vauge references to them. so i ask him about them and who they are and he hems and haws and calls them "buds". i told him they sound like boyfriends (which is fine with me) he got upset with me. i told normally you aren't spending the week end at a "buds" house and then you tell me your buying a toothbruh for his place. so he finally admits that they are going out, having sex and all that happy shit. i told him to be a little more upfront with me and not hide things from or lie. he told me that people have different definitions of "buds" and that i shouldn't hold him to my definition of what a "bud" is. whatever. he told me this morning that he and his "bud" are driving up to our old vaction spot the russian river. made me feel a little odd. i'll pop a klonnie and get over it. had a dream last night that i shot myself in the head it was like on a loop so i did it four time. kinda creepy. i got up and went and told M about it. he just looked at me and went back to watching tv. such concern and compassion. i'm so touched.

oh well bye for now!